i hate my job
by La Salle De Bain
Summary: [Oneshot] Kisame reminisces. [slight manga spoilers]


**i hate my job **≫ **naruto one-shot**

…Well.

I never wanted to do this but…well, I never wanted to _admit_ this, but…I have a problem. I don't have to problem, per se, just…someone I know…y'know? My "partner," if you will. Not like, 'gay-lover-partner'—partner-partner. We work together (if you can call stalking down little kids and kidnapping them work). I guess I could just dumb it down and call him my co-worker as if I worked in some office.

You see, this partner of mine—he has these…powers. That isn't too surprising, seeing how we live in the civilization consisting of ninja and weapons and like…talking animals and stuff. But HIS powers are kind of strange—HIS powers come from his eyeballs. His pupils, I guess, but yeah. Not technically the _whole_ eyeball. And let's compare this power to, say, contact lenses.

He's kept the contact lenses on a little _too_ long, thus resulting in a slight…change in his sight.

My name is Kisame, and I have a problem.

I don't know how to put this, but like…he's going blind. Seriously. And guess who has to pay for it?

ME.

Guess who has to hang around with him all day, his dumbass eyesight becoming more and more dumbass with each passing millisecond?

ME.

Samehada's pointy end never looked more appealing.

Just take THIS situation, for example—it happened last week:

Okay, so we're on a scouting mission (yeah, I'll just call it that) in the middle of some endless desert. Our scouting missions are ALWAYS in the middle of some endless desert, which I noticed and mentioned aloud to him—my partner, I mean.

Itachi—that's his name, you see—rubs his eyes for about the umpteenth time that day, muttering something I couldn't quite catch. In an attempt to comfort him, I'm all, "Your eyes hurting again, Itachi-san?" Like that. And he gives me some dirty look. And THIS dirty look sets itself from the other ones, seeing how I have yet to see the guy smile—or _smirk_, for that matter.

Anyway, we start walking, and then, all of a sudden, he trips and falls onto the hardass ground. Just FALLS like that. I've never really seen him do anything remotely un-poise, so DAMN, was I surprised. I just stared at him for a few seconds, helping him onto his feet.

"You alright, Itachi-san?" I ask.

He looks up, all weirded out-like. My nonexistent eyebrow immediately rises at the sight, and I just about waved my hand in front of his Goddamn face. But he just kept on looking at me. My arm was still around his shoulder, and he jumped back about ten feet. He had a shuriken out by then.

"Itachi-san…?" I repeat. He didn't react—he's the KING of not reacting. It's pretty creepy.

It was like we were having a staring contest or something. Until, of course, Itachi _finally_ opened up that little mouth of his.

"I've never seen a shark outside its natural habitat."

That had to be the downright most random thing I've ever heard in my life. So I'm thinking, _Shark? Natural habitat? Don't you mean_ _water?_ I don't say any of this to him, but look over my shoulder to see what the hell that munchkin was talking about. But then, it strikes me:

…_He's talking about me, isn't he?_

You're born with blue skin and gills and you pay for it for the rest of your life.

To add to the freakiness that was the situation, Itachi all licks his lips. I could've gagged right there, but I was, and forever will be, a gentlemen. Anyway, so he talks some more, saying, "I never thought I'd get an opportunity like this…My uncle told me all about it—sharks and their ways…"

I almost started laughing, seeing how Itachi kinda KILLED everyone in his family (except one unlucky bastard), which most likely included his Uncle Bob or Uncle Chuck or whatever.

So he's still looking at me with that strange little look, basically readying his shuriken. "I've heard in some places, shark is quite a delicacy, my sea-fish friend. I'll feast on every bit of flesh you have…And hey, maybe I'll give some of you to that Kisame…Where'd he run off to, anyway?"

By then, I am freaked out—one hundred percent _mortified. _I mean, I'm older than the guy by a LONG-shot, and a lot taller than him, but he can kick my ass. So, _so_ badly. And when he kicks my ass, my grandma will be in her grave, doing what she spent most of her living-life doing—SOBBING.

He proceeds in the lip-smacking, and then…he jumps on me. It was totally unexpected, _damn_, can that kid jump. So I'm under him, struggling for my Goddamn life, but he had me pinned down GOOD. The shuriken like, freaking glistens in the sunlight, and all I see is white.

I was lying there for a good three minutes, and I was beginning to wonder myself why the hell Itachi wasn't 'feasting on my flesh,' as he so delicately put it. And then, the shuriken moves, and my eyesight is back and kickin'. So I look up, and Itachi is still straddling me, but now, he's looking at me. And then he looks at the knife in his hand, and back again.

He opens his mouth again.

"…Where did the shark go?"

I kick him off, and he pretty much cooperates, actually helping me up. He stares at me for a second, and all I can do is twitch by then. Itachi doesn't really say anything, but I could tell from those crazyass eyes of his that he's pretty pissed. I didn't ask why—it was probably something stupid like he thought I stole the damn shark or something.

Hardy-freaking-har-har.

Thankfully, the rest of the mission was quiet—well, at least more quiet than usual. We don't exactly _socialize_, Itachi and I, but I'm still moderately worried about the little guy. He's pretty much a part of me now, aside from the fact that he once stabbed me and probably some of his hair fell into the wound and I didn't pick it out and the skin grew over and yeah. He's part of me _metaphorically speaking_. And we're not gay, either; though his obsession with his little brother is pretty strange. But that doesn't really matter, now does it?

Anyway, so I have no clue of what to do. I've tried medication—it didn't work (I turned into a Goddamn butterfly after taking three). I've tried reading porn—no results (other than Samehada's pointy end looking even _more_ appealing). I've tried ignoring it, but you see how THAT resulted, hm?

I'm not sure if partner trading is allowed in the Akatsuki. But I'm sure if it _were_, it'd get seriously out of hand, and be like a trading card game to everyone ('_I'll trade my Hidan for your Sasori, a-hyuck!'_). But I wouldn't really like to trade Itachi in, seeing how the other members of this group aren't really eligible candidates. I mean, who would they give me for Itachi? _Deidara? _I'm not sure whether or not that guy even has a penis.

…Yeah, I don't get paid enough for this.

The End.


End file.
